day 3.

I'm starting to get a little behind on my posts...

My goal is to write them as the day progresses, so I don't forget as much. But today was full of visitors and making sure I got my pain meds right on time, so I slacked a little on the blogging. Hopefully there aren't too many gaps in the day...

I woke up this morning at about 5:15 and knew my wonderful nurse would be there to give me another dose of Percocet at 5:30 so I didn't fall back to sleep. I spent the better part of an hour yesterday carefully peeling off my bandage so I could finally shower. It was marvelous! I was a little nervous that the whole thing would hurt my incision, but as long as there's not any direct contact, the warm water actually feels pretty nice. It took me at least 30 minutes to get myself even remotely feeling clean - I took a lot of breaks to rest against the wall - but I felt really good and energized afterward.

Since it was pretty close to the shift change and John was still sleeping I decided to try out pumping again. It's definitely my least favorite part of motherhood so far, but since all Ruthe's getting right now is a lame baby version of Gatorade, I know it's important that I get her something her body can really use!! It's just so awkward and boring and painful. :-/

At about 7:30, I woke up John so we could go down and see Ruthe right at 8. (It ended up being more like 8:30 because I had to take some vitamins.) She had a pretty good night, and the nurse had just finished all her tests, so we got to just sit and hold her little hands and head and feet. She was pretty grouchy, and it didn't help when I changed her hat so she could be our little "grouchy ladybug". By 9:15 I was exhausted, and my pain meds were wearing off, so we went upstairs and I tried to nap for a while after my mom got here.

I really wish I could remember what order our visitors came in today, but that's just a little too much for my lazy brain. While I was down visiting Ruthe with some of our wonderful friends, her monitor kept going off, which we've come to expect as normal. Generally the nurses just turn the alarm off and go back to whatever they were doing. The nurse today was like a hovercraft. And she kept glaring at me whenever the monitor would sound again, like I was doing it on purpose. I didn't appreciate that. [Um, hi, just holding my brand-new tiny baby's little hand and telling my family and friends about her pending open-heart surgeries, don't mind me.]

We went down to see Ruthe again a little later with my cousin, and I guess she'd been having a hard time keeping her oxygen levels stable, so the nurse was a little rude about not wanting us to touch her. We knew she'd start having tough days once she ran out of all the good stuff her body had stored up from life on the inside, but really, the last thing I want to hear is a stranger (albeit a well-educated and medically-trained one) tell me I can't even touch my own baby. Luckily my cousin had spent enough of her own time with a baby in the NICU (actually in the exact same spot that Ruthe's in now!) and so she wasn't offended that we couldn't open the isolette. But I was fuming on the inside, and so impressed with myself for not breaking-down right there.

Now that I've had time to think about it, Ruthe had seen a lot of people by that time yesterday, and I'm sure the nurse only meant that she didn't want her to be over-stimulated by all the touching and talking. But the way she handled it was just a little too far outside the realm of sensitive for me to ever be able to like her now. Unfortunately.

Tonight has been a little better. We went down to visit her after the shift change, and this night nurse was really sweet. Ruthe had a nice long break from visitors so when we got there I'm sure she was glad for a little family-time. She does this funny little thing where she fidgets a little and then tries to open her eyes and get a peek at how concerned you are for her comfort... at least that's how I interpret it. She also got a little attack of hiccups while we were there, and I'm sure that was making her a little mad that we couldn't do anything about it.

She is just absolutely the cutest baby in the world!! Even though her grouchy-face makes her look a little too much like Tyler for my taste. We'll just try to always keep a bow on her head!

At some point I'm going to have to get a nice enough picture for her birth announcement... But I really hate that those stinking' ventilator tubes will be front and center. Nobody will mind if I make it more of a "we're finally home from the hospital" announcement, right?! I mean, how many of her friends and family don't already know all there is to know about her from here and Facebook?!

productive momma.

This morning I've already taken my drugs, showered [!!!], and tried pumping some breast milk. It's barely 7:15am, and I can't go see Ruthe until the shift-change is over around 8. John's still sleeping, so there's not even anyone to talk to.

I think it's going to be days like this in the coming weeks, when I'm at home just waiting around to hitch a ride to the hospital, that will be the hardest. I know I'm a momma, but it's probably going to take some time before I really feel like I have motherly duties. All I'm really good for right now is patting her head and the odd diaper change.

Don't worry about me, I don't think I'm sinking into any kind of post-partum depression. It's just going to take some time to get used to what I can/can't do for Ruthe. And then she'll come home and we'll all get to readjust all over again!

What a drama queen, all this just to ensure that she's the center of our universe. Like she wouldn't have been anyway!

the name game.

I win!!!

I may have cheated by hiding this paperwork until John agreed on her middle name. But it's still a win in my book!!

day 2.

Has it really already been an entire day since my little baby arrived?! I can't believe it!

John and I didn't have the best night's sleep yesterday. He was freezing cold, I was sweating like a pig. He had to sleep on a fold-out chair, my entire body was itchy from the morphine. And at about 3ish my IV pump started beeping SO LOUD because one of the meds ran out. It only took me twenty minutes to figure out there's a volume control, but we had to call the nurse anyway to come turn it off. And the nurses come in every couple hours anyway and turn on the light, so I'd be surprised if John got any real sleep at all.

He, at least, got to take a shower this morning. I still have a bandage on my stomach, but I should be able to take it off by tonight and THEN I can be clean again!! I actually don't mind being smelly as much as not being able to wear a bra or my own shirt because the IV is still in my wrist.

[UPDATE: I am officially tube-free! No more IV or catheter. Which also means I'm wearing real clothes!! Such a good feeling!]

We got to go down and see Ruthe this morning. The lid on her isolette was down, which concerned us for a minute, but the nurse thought it was probably just to keep all the noise from bugging Ruthe. She also have a very vocal neighbor. And by vocal, I mean a total cry-baby. Ruthe does NOT like it when that girl starts crying.

We spent a little time with Ruthe, and then headed back up to my room to rest and so John and my mom could trade-off custody of me. While they were both here I was on the phone with Medicaid adding Ruthe and when they asked for her middle name I told them Clementine because John wasn't objecting. So I totally won the middle name battle.

They did a CT scan of her heart today, to get a better (and 3D) look at everything. It took about an hour and a half from start to finish and they gave her some anesthesia to keep her calm and still through the whole thing. We won't know exactly what the plan is until all the doctors have seen this scan and the most recent echo, but we should have an official game-plan by Tuesday!

John went home to take a nice comfy nap in our bed and pick up a few things he thought of last night. My mom and I filled out the birth certificate form, I took a nap, and then we went back down to see Ruthe for a little while because we thought she might have woken up a little more. She didn't. In fact, she's been asleep practically all day. But I did get to change her diaper and take her temperature, so I feel a little bit more like her mom and less like a visitor down there.

Speaking of visitors, we have had so many wonderful friends and family come see us and keep us company! Thank you all so much! Laying in a hospital bed gets old really fast! And as much as we love our sweet Ruthe, we just can't be right by her all day or we might go insane! Having friends here is really the best medicine. For all of us! Ruthe loves to be shown off - she knows she's a big deal and loves meeting people. [Especially when those people are friendly and not needle-wielding doctors!]

John and I just got back from a midnight visit to Ruthe. We tried to visit earlier, but she was having a tough time breathing so they said we could come back later for her "touch time". I changed her diaper again and the nurses ran a couple more tests. All the stress from the scan today caused her to depend on the ventilator more than they really wanted to see, but she was looking better even after just a few more hours of rest.

I got to take the bandage off my incision today! It hurt like HECK trying to pull off all the sticky tape off those sensitive areas, but now that its gone I feel a lot more like a normal person and less like a bandaged mummy. I still wear this fancy belly-binder to keep all my flab from jiggling around, but it's just Velcro so I'll be able to take a shower in the morning and I am SO EXCITED!

A BIG thanks to Steph for getting our first ever family picture!!

twenty-four hours.

I can't even believe its already been an entire day since we had our sweet girl! This time yesterday I was still pregnant and could feel her jabbing me in the ribs for the last few times. And now I can watch her stretch her long legs and arms, which explains a lot. Baby Ruthe was jus too big to stay in that cramped space!

She loves having her legs draped over the little nest they've built for her and pretty much always has at least one arm stuck out to the side. Obviously she's really liking all her newfound space and independence! We're going to have our hands full with this one!!

I feel so gross and stinky! I really want to get out of this gown and into some of my own pj's... Preferably without the catheter and IV lines sticking out, too. And if I could take some kind of shower, that'd just be amazing!! We'll see how the morning goes, I guess.

I'm also so dang hungry!! Some pancakes or a waffle sounds delicious. I forgot to pack any snacks for myself or John, so I'm sure he's starvin'-marvin' too!

I'll try to post more pictures of Ruthe today, all over Facebook and Instagram at least! She'll probably be a little mad about the tube in her throat, so they'll mostly be of all her funny grouchy faces!

she's here!! [Ruthe's birth story]

We did it! We are officially parents! It has been a LONG day, but I want to document as much as I can before I fall asleep and forget it all.

We got to the hospital right about 4:30am to get all checked in and admitted and prepped for the surgery. It felt like it was taking forever at the time, but now I'm sort of impressed with how quickly the morning really did go by...

Paperwork, an IV, and so many questions later my doctor came in to check on me, the anesthesiologist came and introduced himself, and then they wheeled me in to the OR.

Getting the spinal was probably the scariest thing about the whole process. Luckily, my wonderful Aunt Lori came in on her day off just so I cold have another familiar face with me throughout the morning. She let me rest on her shoulder while they prepped my back and then gave me the good stuff. I probably would have burst into tears without her there - I was so nervous and scared! But it goes to work almost immediately! My butt was numb before he even finished the whole shot.

When I swung my legs back up onto the table and they put in a catheter my legs were so dead that I never even felt the nurses lay them straight. I went thought the entire surgery convinced that my knees were bent!

The c-section itself only lasted 45-ish minutes, but our sweet baby Ruthe was here within the first ten! She was born at 6:45am, weighing a WHOPPING 7lbs. 10oz., and measuring 20.5 inches long. And apparently, her head is so big the doctors had to open the incision even wider to get her through!

There was a LOT of pressure from the doctors pushing her down and pulling her out. For a second I thought they were going to break my ribs. And it was pretty hard to breathe, too.

My arms were so shakey the whole time, which is normal and only makes you look freezing cold and ridiculous, but still not any fun.

Dr. Roberts held her up over the curtain right away so I could see her in all her nasty baby glory. I only remember thinking how marvelous and beautiful she is, although looking back it was totally gross. While the neonatal team cleaned up Ruthe and the doctors started putting me back together, John and Lori were going back and forth between taking pictures of the baby and showing those pictures to me.

Before they whisked her away to the NICU for some testing, one of her doctors or nurses brought her over for me to see and smooch. Her chubby little cheeks are perfect for nonstop kisses!!

John followed Ruthe into the NICU and spent close to the rest of the day in there with her. After they stitched me back together they wheeled me back into the recovery room for about an hour, and then we headed up to the third floor maternity unit. This is a hard floor to be on when your baby's in the NICU on an entirely different floor. I hate hearing sweet babies cry all the time as they're being wheeled in to see their mommas.

John got to hold her for a while, and he helped with her first bath, and even changed her diaper - twice!

I tried to get up around 2:30pm to start stretching my legs and possibly head down to see the baby, but it was just a little too much activity and I made myself sick. I was so devastated. I had been preparing myself all day to go down and see Ruthe at 2:30 that when it was time and I was back in bed with more meds I just broke down. Not seeing my baby for more than five minutes the entire first eight hours if her life just killed me.

Especially since they had to intubate her because the heart medicine she's on causes apnea and her breathing was too shallow in her own. So now I knew for sure I wouldn't even be allowed to hold her whenever I could make it into the NICU. Like I said, devastating.

My nurse gave me some nausea medication and I fell asleep for a while, which really helped. One of Ruthe's cardiologists came in to talk about what they'd seen on her echo and tell us about the plan for tomorrow and this weekend, assuming Ruthe remains stable.

There's a shift change from 7 to 8, during which time we can't be in the NICU, so John came upstairs to help me try getting out of bed again to visit Ruthe. This time I made it!!

It's a slow and steady process, but I got myself out of the bed and into a wheelchair so John could wheel me down to Ruthe's bedside.

Finally, after fourteen hours of her life had already passed by, I got to see my baby girl! And even with all the tubes and tape and wires she is still the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!!

We'll be posting more pictures periodically, and some of them might make your heart sad, seeing little baby Ruthe attached to so many machines and with all the tubes, so I apologize. But I promise, she's not suffering too much... John already knows where to rub her so she calms right down. He really is the sweetest daddy ever!!

Thank you, everyone, for all your love and prayers and well-wishes for our new little family! We can't express how comforting it is to know that so many people care for us and already love our little Ruthe!!

it feels like christmas...

I should really be sleeping...  I have to be at the hospital at 4:30am.  And my mom says that I have no excuse not to have my hair and make-up done [to look nice in pictures] since I'm not really doing any work to get this baby out. 

Which means I have to wake up around 2 so I can shower, dry and straighten my hair, and pretend like I know how to put make-up on. 

But I feel like it's Christmas Eve and I'm ten and I just KNOW that Santa's on his way here with the coolest toy I can imagine.  [I wish I could remember what I got for Christmas when I was ten... that analogy would have been a lot cooler if I did.]

We never really slept on Christmas Eve when I was little, anyway.  For as long as I can remember my brothers and I would have a sleepover in my room and Ryan would wear his fancy light-up watch and make Tyler and I guess what time it was every ten minutes.  One year we got smart and had our own watches ready so we could cheat... but they didn't light up. 

Right now I've got the computer's clock, both cell phones, the iPad, and John's watch all within my field of vision and they're moving veerrrryyyy sslllloooooowww.  All I can think is:  LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!!!

Sleep is probably not going to happen.